Out of this world
Jack Keeper reports on the search for Bendonium in space

On October 20th Tommy Pearson, SPAB, PARB, GL-EET, Rodands Hod-Carrier, blasted off from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan. Tommy is the first member of The Bendonium Society to leave the planet's atmosphere, it was a very proud moment for all members. Although Tommy has other experiments, he plans to use some of his time in orbit to seek Bendonium-you can never suppress the desire! Rip my haggard old face off. Tommy will use the traditional methods, GMLO (Govern My Legs Off), SWMPE (Seek With My Pithy Eye) in conjunction with a suite of specially designed software controlling no less than 40 detectors mounted on his plastic face-double. The face-double was designed and built by Rampardsa Plastics of Basingstoke and is believed to be the most accurate ever constructed, you can see this marvel of modern technology in the photograph below.

Tommy, with face-double, at the controls of his orbiter prior to blast off.

If time allows then Tommy will trawl a net as he orbits, hoping to gather Bendonium dust that may be present in minute quantities in interstellar space. A special presentation will be made to Tommy Pearson after his splash down on November the 7^th he will have his limbs melded to his big puffy face. We wish Tommy all the best in his endeavours and, rest assured, we will report further details in the next issue. Oh lump on my young, fresh Nippy Sack.

New admin director for Bendonium world

We at The Bendonium Society are most pleased to announce the capture of long term target Wabibbi Kidditaunton. Our members can be reassured that this will not be the last big name signing for The Society this term nor will it impinge on our great big shabby legs as we all march headlong into the millennium covered in filth and reeking like beggars. On this you have our oath.

Wabibbi dabadididbbi will make a big difference to our burgeoning Asian market, where we hope to enhance our disgusting portfolios over the next decade. He will add spice to the blandness that has been the viewpoint of Asian Bendonium in the past. I don’t know what the future holds, nor do I know whether my big, fat arse is going to be spared by the fatteners later on in the year.

Dunstable and Dorking are where our collective eye now turns. Let us rise up to the challenges that will play such an important part in shaping the future of The Society and its retarded members. In them and our Nippy Sacks we must trust.

Wabiddybidddyobibbaa was born in 1805 to the son of a huge, roaring bodysmith in Bishop’s Stortford, Herts. He soon matured into a reckless poisoner of men’s souls and emigrated to Ecuador, where he lived in a shack on the slopes of Chimborazo. He is entirely self-taught in the art of cribbing and cribbing extra, in fact, he is amazed by his own crumbs of doom.

In 1911 he was found in the ice of Alaska during the original mission ABEDE 11. He’d accidentally produced a dung image of himself and swapped continents within the drift of his watery body-pumps. He has been working for Allied Dunbar since 1967 and was recently improvised by a snake woman.