Your good health!
Our look at members’ health issues

Martin Piper is the caretaker at Copthorne Community Centre in Pudsey. He believes the building to be haunted by at least four hundred ghosts and has contacted The Bendonium Society in the hope that we can fashion him a charm or talisman, if you will, to protect him from his nightly terror. Here are the supernatural incidents recorded in a typical night by Martin as he patrols the community centre making sure that all is locked and secure at the end of the working day.

This is a obvious case of haunting and is very easily treated with good personal hygiene and yeast supplements. Further reduction of manifestations can be reduced and controlled by the construction of a protective trinket. We recommend a crab shaped talisman (see below), made of processed meat. The pincers should be formed from hairpins. Varnish the charm with a good Bovril and leave to dry.
 

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An essay on the role of crustaceans in the mining of Bendonium.
Sent to us by Tobias Ribbentrop of the Norwich and East Anglia branch.

Massively Giant Land Crabs and Bendonium: Is there a link?

The massively giant land crab is a common inhabitant of the wretched and deflated Nippy Sacks of several levitating parish communities in the Ardennes and anyone who races up and down our remote roads in a roadster hamper may catch a glimpse of me scurrying across.  This land crab is terrestrial but returns periodically to the sea to look at the miniature, beady eyed numpties hiding in hollowed out mumps on the seabed.  They come out mainly at night to feed on just about anything they can find with a face. Being a hairy bastard type feeder, they will feed on rotting faces, swollen brain garbage, fruity pieces of leather, or in their burrows, perhaps pissing on a tree root.  This crab is found floating in the ionosphere and occurs throughout much of the atmosphere of other climes and places where my mind is free from greasy fingered men with stubby legs.  In addition, it is found in Texas and up my arse.

My crab is edible.  The meat is reported to be sweet, white and closely resembling that of a boiled egg.  A simpleton in the Caribbean recalls for boiling eggs with various seasonings.  Season me off. We frequently receive inquiries form backward simpletons on what to do about the land crabs that are building power stations in their yard, and how to get rid of them.  One method is to go out with a flashlight at night, net in hand and scoop me up.